Days of Our Friggen Animorphs
by Gem Stoned
Summary: Soapies are cool, especially if you have nothing to do with them. But this one is brilliant, based on all the Animorphs characters, will have you in stictches. Marco's back in the penultimate episode ... can't wait huh?
1. Episode One : Horny Bastard

DAYS OF OUR FRIGGEN ANIMORPHS - Episode One  
  
Author's Note: I was crazy when I wrote this, and I'm still crazy. I've returned to my dance roots (don't ask) and hopefully I'll have a #1.  
  
"Oh, Tobias, do you not love me anymore?" she asked. They were standing on the terrace at Cassie's home. Tobias was facing the beautiful sunset and she was standing massaging his back whilst questioning his love.  
"I DO love you, it's just that ... it's just that ..." Tobias said uncertainly.  
She stopped massaging him and stared at his butt. "It's her isn't it?" she screamed, "It's that bitch, Rachel!"  
"No Cassie, it couldn't possible be Rachel. Noooo way, not Rachel. How could you even suggest Rachel? I mean honestly, why would it be Rachel? What a joke! Rachel!? Hahahahahaha! I can't believe you said RACHEL! Rachel? Haha! Good god, that's like the joke of the year. Racheeel!!" Tobias laughed cheerily.  
"Then ... then ... who ... what is it?"  
"Actually, you were right. It's Rachel."  
It looked like Cassie's world had just shattered, she fell to the floor clutching at her weave in hysterical tears. "Oooh! Ooaaoaaoaoaoh!" she moaned.  
Tobias had been looking down at her sadly but had gotten irritated when she started moaning, "Shut up, bitch."  
Cassie stood up, making sure the crinkles in her Versace dress weren't too much, walked to the door, turned around and said, "Go back to her, Tobias ... she loves you ... she BLAAHDY well loves you!!!" She cried hysterically then ran into the house.  
Tobias looked strangely into the sky and the camera focused on him while he said, "Oh my god, what will I do? What will I doooooooo ooooooooh!?!?!?!?!"  
  
In another part of Slutsville, Marco was enjoying a drink with some people at a club called 'La Erection'. In the background, a Louie Vegas dance-remix of "Love at First Sight" was playing in the background.  
"... every thing went from wrong to right and the music you were playing really blew my mind ..." Marco sang along while tapping his foot and sitting at the bar ordering a drink.  
"What do you have?" he asked.  
"We have the Cher Champagne, Madonna alcoholic Milkshake and the world famous Whitney Whiskey," the muscular topless bartender who was wearing a black bowtie and black pants said.  
"Don't you have any beer?"  
"Yeah, there's the Bette Beverage Beer."  
He ordered the Bette Beverage Beer and stood around looking for some chicks. There seemed to be none.  
Sex and the City is on tonight, he realised. Thank god I set it to record! He thought to himself.  
A guy came up to him said, "Don't you want to dance?"  
"No, I don't really like this song." It was P.Diddy and Usher's 'I Need A Girl Part I'.  
"It's just an interim to get guys to buy more drinks, notice how the dancefloor is really empty now? A nice song will be on soon, I'm sure." As soon as the guy said that, Madonna's "Die Another Day" came on.  
Marco screamed with excitement, "I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE this song!" he screamed.  
He ran into the dance floor and the guy followed. There was a blackout in his mind because he woke up the next day ... in someone elses bed ...  
  
IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF "DAYS OF THE FRIGGEN ANIMORPHS" ...  
- "You've been having an affair with someone ... who .... WHO DAMMIT!?" Rachel asks Tobias.  
- "I didn't know it was a gay club ... Really, I'm NOT GAY!" Marco exclaimed. 


	2. Episode Two : Sexy Momma

Last Week on "Days of Our Friggen Animorphs":  
  
Marco got up to some Hanky Panky with Georgio the italian Spaniard and Delisa the very VERY manly woman ....  
  
DAYS OF OUR FRIGGEN ANIMORPHS - Episode Two  
  
Marco and Jake were discussing Marco's activities the night before at Jake's house while Jake baked some Smiley cookies.  
"So you're saying you went to a gay club last night?" Jake asked as he put up the temperature on the oven.  
"I didn't know it was a GAY CLUB!" Marco exlcaimed, "Really, I'm not gay!"  
"I didn't say you were gay, Marco," Jake replied soothingly as he stirred the vannilla topping in a bowl, "I'm just saying ... didn't you think it was a bit strange ... a club called 'La Erection'? I mean, honestly, don't they know 'erection' is 'construction' in French, and even if, it's a MALE term!"  
"That's not really the point, Jake," Marco said.  
"Then what is the point?"  
"Don't tell anyone ... but ... I woke up with two guys, well, one guy and one transvestite. But I woke up with two guys ... I'm worried I'm not ... I'm not as masculine as one might say ..."  
"Oh, Marco," Jake said while lifting his purse, getting a card out of it and handing it to Marco, "My Psychiatrist says that a man can be a bit feminine and not necessarily gay, I mean look at me! I used to play basketball, but that wasn't the REAL me! I love to bake, it's my life calling, it's WHO I AM!!!!!!!" Jake screamed at the ceiling while pulling at is his apron with the pink hearts on it, "Why don't you try him? He's absolutely brilliant in our 'bed councelling'." Jake said while chopping up some Sugar Sticks.  
Maybe I will try him, Marco said to himself, maybe I will ... "Just don't tell anyone ... NOT A SINGLE SOUL ... my life depends on it ..."  
  
At the barn, an Animorphs meeting was taking place. "Firstly," Jake said, "I'd like you all to excuse Marco. He's gone to see a psychiatrist regarding the fact that he woke up with to guys in his bed. But don't tell anyone."  
No one seemed to be shocked, infact there was a slightly bored air about the room. Tobias and Cassie were staring dreamily into each others eyes while Rachel eyed them suspiciusly. Ax wasn't there, he had mysteriously dissapeared three weeks before, claiming to have fallen in love with a German prostitute.  
Suddenly, Rachel broke the air. Eew, not that way. "Are you two having an affair?" Rachel demanded.  
Tobias suddenly looked frozen, Cassie put clasped her hand on her mouth and Jake screamed.  
"Now, now, what would make you ever think that?" Jake said, "I'm in a steady relationship with Cassie. Why would you ever think of ... unfaithfullness? Besides, I'm not gay, Marco is!"  
"I'm not talking about you and Marco, I'm talking about Cassie and Tobias!" Jake gave a heavy sigh of relief but then pricked his head up again.  
"Tobias and Cassie?" Jake said doubtfully, "I don't know if you noticed, Rachel, but Tobias is a BIRD. I mean, I don't mean to be conceited, but I'm sure Cassie wouldn't go for TOBIAS when she had me ..." he laughed.  
"So are you having an affair?" Rachel asked, "ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR!?!?!?"  
The camera zoomed in on Cassie and Tobias' faces as they quivered with fear.  
"ARE YOU HAVING A BLOODY WELL AFFAIR!?!?!?" Rachel demanded again.  
  
NEXT WEEK -  
- "Are you having an affair, Tobias, are you ...?" Rachel asked, almost in tears.  
- Everyone gasped, Ax was holding onto Kylie Minogue of Neighbours fame's arm yelling, I'm BAAAAAAAACK!  
  
A/N: One thing I hate about soapies is the cliff-hangers. But hey, if I wanted this to be a REAL soap, then I'd have to use that whole 'ask a question, zoom camera, ask again, then CUT' thing. Ah ... I never knew how much pleasure the scriptwriter's get out of their job ... 


	3. Episode Three : Crazy Bitch

Last Week on DOOFA (hee!)  
  
"So are you having an affair?" Rachel asked, "ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR!?!?!?"  
  
And this week on DOOFA:  
"So are you having an affair?" Rachel asked again, "ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR!?!?!?"  
The camera zoomed in on Cassie and Tobias' faces as they quivered with fear.  
Finally, Tobias spoke, "Oh my god ... Ax? Kylie Minogue?"  
Everyone gasped and turned to face the door, Ax was holding onto Kylie Minogue of Neighbours fame's arm yelling, I'm BAAAAAAAACK!  
"What are you doing here?" Jake asked looking psychotically at Kylie Minogue.  
Aren't I welcome? Ax asked, After all the touring of Europe, I decided ...  
"I wasn't talking to you," Jake said, "What are you doing here, Kylie?"  
"I'm not Kylie, I'm Danii," She snapped.  
"It makes no difference," Jake said sweetly, ushering her in, "Come in and have a cup of tea and cookies. Oooh! I think those are the cookies coming along." Jake sniffed and headed towards the kitchen in the barn (That we have never heard of)  
"I asked you a question, Tobias," Rachel said steely, "Now answer me."  
Tobias managed to put on a strange pained confused expression and a weird British accent, "Er, I'm fine. And you? Ah well I've got to be going now, toodaloo!" He said as he rushed out into the hustle and bustle of Cassie's farm.  
  
"So what are you doing in Ican'ttellyouwhereville, Danii?" Jake asked her as they sipped tea on a bale of hay.  
"How many times do I have to tell you!" She cried, "It's Jennifer!"  
"Oh, sorry," Jake said, "So Jennifer. What made you leave THE BLOCK, to visit our lovely Ican'ttellyouwhereville?"  
"Well ..." Jennyfromtheblock was interrupted by a loud cry from the other part of the barn.  
"What was that?" Jake said as he stood up accidentally dropping his tea onto his groin (and ofcourse, not noticing due to the Soapieness of this).  
"A loud cry from the other part of the barn! Duh!" Jenny said.  
They rushed to the other part of the barn to find Cassie kneeling over Rachel's dead body with blood on her hands and everywhere else.  
"Oh my god," Jake cried clasping his hands to his cheeks, "how will I ever get those stains out?"  
"She attacked me ..." Cassie choked, "After ... I told her ... I ... had ... been ... having ... an ... aff...." suddenly Cassie stopped, then changed her tone and said, "Well, she attacked me, I defended myself and here she lies dead."  
"Oh well," Jake said turning around, "would you like a cup of tea? You know, killing is strenuous work!"  
"You know how I like it, shaken not stirred!" Cassie said, and they giggled together.  
There was a ruffle of the wind and Jenny screamed.  
"What?"  
"Rachel just got up and walked away," Jenny said.  
"Huh? Did she leave anything behind?"  
"No, but she did tell me to tell you that you wet your pants, Jake."  
  
A/N: Oh mygod! There's a Seriously Killed walking around Ican'ttellyouwhere I live. And I bet you can't wait to find out just who JENNYFROMTHEBLOCK really is! 


	4. Episode Four: Feminine Ambition

Deep weird voice as tacky soapie music starts: Through the sands of an hourglass, these are the days of our friggen animorphs. *twee twee twee twee, twe twee twe twee twt twee twwweeeee!* (tacky soapie music)  
  
JENNY: You wet your pants, Jake  
JAKE: *suddenly looking very anxious* So you're telling me there's a psychotic psycho killer walking around town?  
JENNY: *impatiently, with her hands on her hips* No! She told me to tell you that *she's interrupted by Jake's girly cries*  
JAKE: If ... if ... there's a psychotic kiler walking around, then that means we'll all be ... *camera zoom in on Jake's sweaty face as a violin type sound increases and increases (setting the mood, you know)* that means we'll all be ... that means we'll all be ... *don't you hate it the way they repeat stuff?*  
  
AD BREAK!  
  
Now it's time for another author's not by everyone's favorite, Gem Stoned:  
I know, the last episode was so weird it hurt. You see, what I do is write the stories while surfing the net a few minutes before uploading them (no beta readers or spell checks. Hahahaha!!!) to give it that lovely "just written" feel to it. Unfortunately, last episode I was influenced by ringing phones and er. my lack in there of of non-writer's block. I don't know why I have J.Lo in the story, but I do know that I'll try to kill her and kill her and kill her again. Thank you very much.  
  
END AD BREAK!  
  
JAKE: that means we'll all be ... that means we'll all be ... killed?  
JENNY: *screams* Eek!  
JAKE: What, woman, what?  
JENNY: Where's Cassie?  
JAKE: Why the hell should I care?  
JENNY: *through gritted teeth* Where's Cassie!?  
JAKE: Oh, sorry, I forgot my lines .... Um, I don't know?  
JENNY: *bends down and picks a note off the floor* It's a note!  
JAKE: What does it say? What does it say?  
*silence*  
JENNY: I don't know, I can't read French.  
JAKE: That's not French, it's English.  
JENNY: Oh well, I can't read her hand writing ... it's SO untidy!  
JAKE: It's typed, Jenny!   
*Jenny covers her head in shame and cries*  
JENNY: Okay, okay! I admit, I can't read! All my life I pimped myself to get people to read and write for me! Heck, the only reason I have credits for "writing my own songs" is because I paid the doorman at my hotel to write a poem for me!!!! Damn you society! Damn you!!!!!  
JAKE: Sheesh, you should have just handed me the friggen note! *Jake grabs the note* Oh! It is in French. Darn, I can't read French either.  
"I know how to read French," Rachel said.  
JAKE: Oh, sure. *Hands Rachel the note*  
*Rachel reads the note*  
THE NOTE: Dear Jake and everyone. Rachel just killed me and currently I'm hanging out in a bar in Hell with a puppy I killed last week. Have fun and watch out for Rachel.  
*Jake looks slightly confused*  
JAKE: Hmmmm ...  
*Suddenly Jenny screams and Jake spins around to see Rachel holding a knife over Jenny's chest as Jenny continues screaming and claims her monotone voice is "singing"*  
*Finally, Rachel stabs Jenny*  
RACHEL: That's for dumping P.Diddy!  
*She stabs her again*  
RACHEL: That's for knocking Madonna's record of having the highest debuting single of 2002!  
*She stabs her again*  
RACHEL: That's for "Jenny From The Block" ... I hate that song  
*She stabs her again*  
RACHEL: That's for your silicone butt!  
*She stabs her again*  
RACHEL: That's for being friends with Janet Jackson  
*She stabs her again*  
RACHEL: That's for ... um, ... well, ... I don't know.  
*She stabs her again and stands up dusting her hands off*  
RACHEL: Oh well, I think that should do it.  
JAKE: *shivering behind a box* Are you going to kill me too?  
RACHEL: Ofcourse not! You're my cousin. *She looks at Jenny and spits* Besides, I hate that bitch.  
JAKE: Yeah, I hate her too.   
*They start walking out of the room when suddenly Rachel stabs Jake*  
JAKE: *struggling to breath because he has been friggen well stabbed* I ... I thought ... I was your cousin?  
  
*Dzaaaaa tzaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!*  
The end of episode 4  
  
Next week on DOOFA: Has Rachel REALLY gone psycho and killed Jake or was it just a plot by the writer to end this soapie. Find out, next week!!!!! 


	5. Episode Five: Hairy Monster

Last Week on DOOFA:  
*They start walking out of the room when suddenly Rachel stabs Jake*  
JAKE: *struggling to breath because he has been friggen well stabbed* I ... I thought ... I was your cousin?  
  
....  
This week on DOOFA!!!  
  
*After stabbing Jake, Rachel stands over him chatting about "The Good Old Days"  
JAKE: I ... I ... I thought ... I was your cousin!  
RACHEL: *with a steely glare* So did I, till I found out I was your twin brother!!!  
JAKE: What? What are you talking about?  
RACHEL: Turns out, my dad and your mom are both our parents ...  
JAKE: What? What are you talking about?  
RACHEL: When we were born, the doctor told good ol' momma she had twin boys ... but ... but ... he thought 'the blond one' was too ... too ... too PRETTY TO EVER BE STRAIGHT!!!!!! *she bursts into hysterical tears*  
JAKE: What? What are you talking about?  
RACHEL: *Composes herself* So they made me have a sex change and then pretended we had never been siblings in the first place.  
JAKE: What? What are you talking about?  
RACHEL: *she grabs Jake's bloody - and I mean that in the least offensive way - collar* THEY PRETENDED WE WERE COUSINS!!!! DAaammitt!!! Cousins!!!? So all these years that I was fantasisng about you ... me ... some leather and a whip and chain, I was fantasising about fucking my brother!!!! Dammn you society!!! Damn you!!!!!!  
JAKE: *looking confused, but trying to keep calm* So you're saying that your dad and my mom are both our parents and when we were born the doctor told good ol' momma she had had twin boys, but he thought 'the blond one' was too pretty to ever be straight. So they made you have a sex change and then pretended we had never been siblings in the first place. They pretended we were cousins, dammit. So all those years you were fantasisng about you and me in a S&M type situation you were fantasising about *beep*ing your brother?  
*Blank pause*  
RACHEL: Basically that's it.  
JAKE: So why did you stab me?  
RACHEL: A soap star never gives away the plot ...  
*a voice is heard* "No, a soap star never gives away the plot!"  
RACHEL: *she turns around* oh, well, if you intend on repeating what i say ... Oh my gawd! It's .... CAZZIE!!!  
CASSIE: *holding up an Ax (get it) and looking psychotically at Rachel* Miss JAckson if you're nasty!  
JAKE: I was beginning to wonder where you were, you didn't appear in the whole of last episode!  
CASSIE: I was in France dining with Jacque Chi...what's his name.  
JAKE: So what's up?  
CASSIE: Run Jake! Run! Rachel is really possesed by the devil and wants to take your ... sowl.  
JAKE: What? Is this true, Rachel?  
RACHEL: *her eyes turn red* Ofcourse not. *she turns to Cassie* what would ever make you think that?  
CASSIE: Don't use your Satanic lies on me, devil! I know who you are ... *she takes out a cross from her pocket and points it at Rachel who cries and ugly cry*  
RACHEL: Ack! HElp. That hurts. *she looks at Jake pleadingly and says sweetly* Jakie-wakie ... help me ... save me from this vicious ... SAVAGE!!!!!!  
*Suddenly Cassie and Rachel start fighting. Cassie using her cross as a weapon and Rachel, Jake's left arm*  
CASSIE: Ouch! That hurt!   
RACHEL: Oooh ... that felt kinda good ...  
CASSIE: Do that one more time and ...  
RACHEL: *singing* Oh-oh-oh-oooooh-ohh-ohhh. Can't you feel my heart beat ... for the very first time ... !  
TOBIAS: *from the barn door* Ladies, ladies. There's no need to fight over me. Really, calm your selves down.  
*Rachel grabs Cassie and throws her at Tobias. Both Tobias and Cassie land in a burning furnace and die.*  
RACHEL: Now it's time for you ... *she sez to Jake who is lying helplessly on the floor*  
MARCO: *long time, hey?* Don't do it Rachel! Don't do it ... I know you used to be a man .... and that's why I've always been atracted to you ... lets share our love ... and all of that shit  
RACHEL: *a tear forms in her eye* But ... but ... I'm still possesed by the devil , long distance relationships hardly ever work. What makes you think we could make this work?  
MARCO: Where there's a will, there's a way. And by the WAY, have you watched WILL and grace while I've been gone?  
*Suddenly Rachel cries. She's been stabbed in the back with one of those funny wooden things ... by a dying JAKE!!!*  
MARCO: Damn you Jake ... damn you ....!!!!!!!! *he runs over to RAchel and cries*  
*End o' episode*  
  
So wacha think? A bit drAMATIC HUH? but oisn't that the ADEA?  
Goodnight sweet children.  
  
NEKST WEEK ON DOOFA: Marco is angry ... reEEL angry, Jake has killed the only shemale he's ever loved ... what will he do? 


End file.
